Balance and the Matrix

I lost my jumpdrive with all my educational jewels, glad that I was able to get it back. Now I need to work through this matrix of old, new, and new new information. So far, so good..Just so so much more to do. The longer in the matrix the easier it is to understand. This is why it's so hard for me to stop once I get going.

With that being said, I took a personality assessment and it indicated that I'm a man of peace (doesn't like conflict and even avoid it despite possible negative outcomes), being organized is a major motivator for me, and I'm critically low on the fun scale. I'm trying to balance school, work, personal life, and my love of sleep. Normally fun is at the bottom of my list. Most fun...just isn't...fun. Todays attempt at fun had me waking up early to go out this afternoon. The result, it's time to go out and I'm sleepy and tired. I'll force myself for today, lets see how it goes. Is this a face of someone who doesn't have fun?

Oh, oh, another reason I don't have fun is because when I'm out having fun, I'm thinking of the future. I'd rather get everything done (which is impossible) before I have fun in my life. Just like other things, I'm still working on me.

Confidence to Confusion..the track

It seems as if every time I'm on a roll, I seem to get off track. I purchased the services of an external dissertation coach to provide and outside perspective and another person to keep me honest. I received the word that I would be allowed to use one tool and I got ready to run and then the questions arose which stopped me in my tracks. There's nothing like running an obstacle course and then once completing an activity to be told to start over and go back 1 or 2 events back. I was told that I'm scared to make a move, to "research and explore". After rethinking, I am, I really am. A dissertation has a lot of concrete guidance, it also has a lot of opinions, feelings, preferences, and ambiguity.

As I look at the calendar, another class has ended and I'm back to the first chapter...If I get momentum on this train, I can guide it home but the tracks are so short and I'm still uncertain.

Selection of variables

You're already going crazy, learning, and executing, comparing and analyzing...Then, yet another change, adjustment, revision, or modification. As I research control variables, IV/DV, and covariates...I can truly relate to this!

Red light, Green light, Go!!!

This journey has really been crazy, I've been on the verge of jumping off of a small bridge (I still value my life). After submissions, changes, and revisions, I've noticed that I've began to move backwards. I went from 2 complete dissertations, to adjusting certain chapters, revising my statistics, searching for a new tool, a new problem statement, a new purpose...hell, I'm back at the beginning. I paid my editor a few hundred dollars and she's all but disappeared on me so far. ...sigh...

After a few weeks of literally making no progress, we've made a break through (I think) and now I can finally do something productive!! its been like red light, green light, red light, green light but no real GO!! I think I'm able to go and I'm exciting about it!!

So, I'm up at 3 AM before work trying to make some headway before work. I only have a couple of weeks left in the class with A LOT to do, so I'll have to enroll in yet another course. I threw on my throwback FILA beanie in remembrance of the past...

Seeking Motivation

I keep complaining about it but sheesh, I'm so over it, I'm ready to throw in the towel. There are better things I could be doing at 2, 3, and 4 AM in the morning. Papers take longer to get a response, they oscillating decisions in regards to the papers format and content, I just want it over. I'm beginning to think of quality of life and mental well being.

I went out and hired an editor and additional adviser (because I think I may be mentally slow) and although she began very motivated, she has slown waaay down on her responses and I'm thinking she's jumped ship. Maybe this is not meant to be. I don't NEED a doctorate, just pondering...pondering..