Before the Committee

Here on veterans day it has been a battle to get through this dissertation. I'm sure there will be revisions required but I'm hoping and praying that my paper makes it past the board.

I've been at this spot years ago and when it went up, it came back and forth, back and forth and ended with a start from the beginning because we changed things. I'm hoping that this goes different, I have a feeling that it will, so board, please do me a favor and say...you can DEFEND!!

 

1, 2, 3, 4, FIF!!!

In the words of the great Dave Chappel, I plead the fifth...fifth chapter that is!!! I can see the light, I can see the light!!

Spoke to advisor today, she blessed off on my chapter and told me full speed ahead so here I am, Thursday night right at midnight looking to use ever piece of darkness until I get a submission. How great would it be to be completed and not have to pay for another class? No more books, no more research (required)? I can't wait!! I prayed prior to starting, so I'm confident I will meet my goal...I say it again..
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Tears of Frustration

After 36 hours of working, I got nearly nowhere, sometimes I feel as if my brain doesn't work. I used to be so sharp and smart...now I feel like something is wrong with my brain. I can't think, can't focus, can't concentrate. I actually had tears of frustration today...literally...sad..

 

 

Ever feel like you've put your everything into something but just can't get it right? That's how I feel right now. All in all, I can't quit, the winter is coming and I have to stay at this thing and get my VICTORY!! I know that its possible and if I keep working at it, something can, must, will break through!! So, I'm off for an early nap until my brain decides to work again. Keep me warm please, please, please..heat up this brain!!

 

 

Progress? Knucklehead or Intuition?

So it seems like progress is on its way. The problem is, I'm a common sense-er and my intuition tells me to do something a certain way ...BUT..I'm worried that I'm being a knucklehead and just don't want to go with the flow...then may have to do double, triple or quadruple work....or I may put myself WAAAY ahead of the game.

So much to do, so much to think, its more like an obstacle course than a marathon. If you're running a marathon, its long but you know where you're going. Right now, I'm lost..but I'll keep moving forward.

 

48 Hours of dissertation rigor

Not many knows what it means, now, I can't really write, exhausted. Sacrificed the whole weekend. Just like I used to do years ago...sigh..

This is what excessive rigor looks like! 

Ripping through!

I still feel like I'm running out of time on this thing BUT I noticed that my dedication isn't how it used to be. I've been slacking so, I'm going to begin RIPPING through this dissertation.

My goal for tonight is to shine off CH 1-3 and complete the framework for CH 4...maybe play with jmp and statistics...Ready, set, and go...D-Wayne the Ripper is what they call him!

 

Dual Directions

I often feel like I'm running out of time in life. I try to fit as much as I can in the small box of life. I've taken on the pursuit of a web-design certificate. So far, I enjoy the class, I'm learning a lot, and it gives me almost a daily feeling of achievement. The problem is it often places me in a dual direction quandary (does that make sense?). Probably not. I debate which one to work on some nights. The webdesign provides me instant gratification and the dissertation is a tenured process.

Tonight I chose the webdesign route. This program has 87 modules...so a lot to learn and I want to get it done AND learn so much as quick as possible!

 

See the finish line

It's been a long journey and there's still much to do. This process is financially breaking me and I need to get it DONE. The good part to all of this is I see the finish line. It may be in the far distance and I'm sure that there will be hurdles on my way there but I see it...I see it, yes I do!

 So now as I go through the many IRBs, IA, and administrative challenges. The good part is despite the previous ambiguity of the situation I've slowly moved forward. My friend prophesized that I would be with doctorate by the end of this year...I think I believe that...yeah...I believe that!!  I have been put in the drivers seat where I don't have to really wait for approval to get some things done. I guess that doesn't make me the driver, maybe I'm able to see the drivers test before I drive...yeah, that's it. I can see the test questions. So, like I said, I think I can see this finish line. I've stretched out and I'm ready to RUN!!! More importantly, I'm ready to finish and take a knee!

 

Breakthrough

Everybody, watch out, I think that we have a breakthrough!!! After months of replication and alteration, I have approval to do the pilot study from one organization. I feel confident that the NCU IRB will approve me also. So now I'm getting ready for flight. Its always a blessing to feel the light of hope, especially when you're in darkness. So, as I wait for my school approval, I begin this weekend my work on the pilot survey's and focus my sights on the revised IRB application for the final study. Pray me luck!

Duplicity in the city of my mind

The land of duplicity. Seems like I have to repeat the same steps over and over and over again for multiple agencies. Why can't I just move forward? My Chair said today "I applaud you for your persistence". I don't have much of a choice. I just want to be done. Its hard trying to take control of a car that you're not driving. I guess all you can do in life sometimes is push and fight and hope that the enemy quits, falls over, or you knock through to where you're trying to get. My mind is tired, so many changes that I don't even know what's going on sometimes. Another submission today...still at IRB...sigh...Death to duplicity!

Sending prayers up

This weekend I reviewed my blog, I can't believe that I'm still going through this. I don't know what's worst, making a million revisions, horrid/lost advisors, or waiting with no action. I think the financial portion is really bothering me too. Each day is more money, more time..time is money. I feel like I'm running out of both right now. All in all, I'm still blessed. I will stop all that I'm doing now and send a prayer up to the skies.

I pray that God takes the lead and moves me down the path or progression and clarity. All goodness comes from him and me getting this off of my bucketlist for life would indeed be good!

Provisional Progress

 

Is all this hard work and dedication paying off? I'm not sure yet but it does feel like it. One thing that I've learned was to focus on the positive in your life. In life many things go wrong but never does everything go wrong...especially if you really look for it. I've been afraid of the provisional IRB loop....NCU wants the Army to approve, the Army wants NCU to approve....SHEESH!! LAWD Help me. Looks like I may have jumped over the provisional loop so let the light of positivity shine, let it shine bright and shine often!!!

 

1 Step Closer

Finally progress has been made, I've turned in my IRB app and its looking like I'll be coasting past this portion of the IRB, looking forward to the next step!

This train has been so so slow getting started but I can tell that its moving forward. I'm handicap disable stepping but still I'm ONE step closer!!! Amen for progress...

 

A glimmer of sun

 This seems like a complete rollercoaster ride to me. Up and down, up and down. I guess this is just a replication of life. After yet another storm, I see a glimpse of sun...a glimpse of hope...a glimpse of glory. Today I received my letter of sponsorship to continue my study, right on the date that I would be removed from the program. I can't wait until I get to the point where my success is based upon my own hard work and dedication. All in all, I'm ONE step closer. I thank God each step of the way!

 

Uncertain...T

I've been at this so so so long, not sure what to do. In the midst of a long weekend, I feel lost in school, lost in life. 

I'm at a point where I need nothing more than just a memo signed...It may not happen. I may miss my doctorate due to this small requirement. Not sure what to do, I hate depending on others. I can get so much done alone but seem to hit stumbling blocks when faced with meeting the requirements of others. I'll do my best and let God lead me to whatever he desires. Hopefully something will breakthrough...somehow..

Simplicity

You think that in life anything is possible if you put in the hard work and dedication. I've put in a lot of hard work and I've been dedicated but...it's not that black and white, not that simple. There's so much more to it. This is not something you can do alone, I'm used to doing most things alone. In other words "making" it happen. This is something that will take much more than that and I'm kind of lost. I thought by this time, I'd be done with my paper and moving towards completion. In reality, I'm stuck...I'm at a place where I can do nothing more unless someone else is willing to work with me. All I need is someone to agree to endorse my survey and I'd be off to the races. I'm lost, feeling defeated, waiting for a break through. All in all, I'm tired, thinking about quitting once again. The only thing keeping me going is the fact that...I'm not a quitter. My class begins tomorrow and I'll see what comes of all of this! Until then, pray for me! The future is not clear..and definitely not simple!

 

Faith is a mofo

So, its been months since I've had progress on this dissertation. I was ready to quit but just when I was ready to throw in the towel...

I have faith that I can do it but there's so much that doesn't depend on me. You truly need others to succeed in many areas of your life. This is all new to me. It looks like I may get assistance from an organization to facilitate the use of my survey and possibly sponsor me. How great is that? Since you may not know, its very great.."very great"? LOL... Anyways, I'm nervous about signing up for another session at school BUT...hey, I'm back at it...again. Wish me luck, wish me knowledge, wish me favor, wish me blessing, wish me success! Better than wishes, pray for me!

 

Towel tossing

After multiple thousands of dollars, thousands of dollars, 7 years or so, a lot of late nights, I think I may have to throw in the towel on the Doctorate, it was going so well and now it seems as if I can't get approval to distribute the survey. I don't know what else to do...

From this point, I will have to put it in Gods hands and see where this turns out. I'm kind of disappointed but not too discouraged. Mixed feelings...

Waiting...

Submitted the IRB for the pilot weeks ago and I just don't feel the motivation today. This process is so so long. Quite irritating and discouraging. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward life weeks, months, or years forward but you're supposed to cherish every day, right? Today is not the best day..

IRB, Pilot Study

So, Concept Paper A----proved!! Feels so good, so now it's time for the IRB again. I was told that I needed to do a pilot study so I've been up since midnight (now it's 5:44) working to get it all prepared for submission. I'm feeling hopeful, really I am. I'm trying to be more positive, look at the brighter side of things and stay focused on god and self-improvement. Although nothing is concrete, for the most part...I think that it's working. So, I have a full day ahead of me and I feel that I'm on the right track. I say fly high, reach the skies, and get this puppy done. This will be such a great accomplishment for me!

Making Progress

It has been a rough journey, I don't know where this will all go for now but it seems as if I'm moving in the right direction. FORWARD===>

I'm used to submitting papers and receiving baby changes that take weeks for a response but today, I checked and noticed that I was good to go. So that means I'm in a waiting status again for the IRB to approve. I doubt there will be any big issues with them. The committee is the major challenge. All in all, I'll stay focused and hope that everything continues to go well.

 

Slacking or relaxing?

I've been a little behind in my progress, took a short trip this weekend, slept all night yesterday, and went to the movies tonight, so....am I slacking or relaxing? I guess life is about balance, right? So, this has been the opposite end of the spectrum where I've been working myself to death. What is tonight? Tonight is the Mr. No sleep, get this submission done, lets see how this all works!

And the Results are in....slow down

So, I received the paper back today and I was told...to slow down. Not directed but suggested. I understand but that's not how I roll. My sleep pattern is all messed up. After 2 hours or so of sleep yesterday, I got in 3 hours after work and about an hour and a half after that and guess what? Can't sleep, so I refuse to sit in the bed like last time for two hours "hoping" that the sandman will take me down. This weekend will be busy so tonight I'll be attacking the paper. I normally complain about the responses and yap yap yap about how it doesn't make sense and I've lost confidence but guess what? Not anymore!! I have much work to do BUT I am definitely confident in her approach and her suggestions. So, here I am midnight just cracking open my knowledge box (computer). Goal is to finish all except the statistical assumptions tonight and then by Tuesday have a new submission ready for review.

Sleepless nights...

So, paper has been submitted for a few days, lets hope and pray that it makes it through!! For non-related reasons, I can't sleep. Sucks, I've implemented my workout routine, eating healthier but I can't seem to get "good" sleep. Anything over about 5 continuous hours of sleep doesn't work for me, I went to sleep at 10PM, up at 2AM, in bed until 4AM and here I am..yes, here I am. So, I guess I just won't sleep. As I have a meeting tomorrow with my Chair, I might as well polish up on my Statistics and find..um, something/anything else to do. I'm sure there is a purpose to all and reading my books, prayer, and church has helped me with strength and resilience. All in all, it's Thursday...almost time for the weekend!

Kind of Burnt

So as I drudge through the third day of revisions, I'm burnt but I have to finish, so much to consider, so much to check, so much to review...sigh...all in all, it's Sunday, church is out and the only thing on my agenda for today is to complete a paper worth of submission.

Losing my "wolf"

The wolf often signifies the hunt, the ability to track something down and devour it, this is in my heart but is leaving from my actions, I'm losing focus, losing desire for no foreseeable reason.

^That^ picture looks funny but it signifies how I feel...it's symbolic, so don't laugh, heck, go head and laugh..lol.

Often when I get like this I force myself to eat...or force myself to sit here and do it until it's done. Like a child without discipline..I need that...NOW. So here I am on a full Saturday, eat, sleep, up for a sec, sleep, turn on computer, lay down, sleep...makes me feel weak and lost...so, tonight, back to the table.

Full speed ahead!!

Be careful what you ask for. I've been complaining about the expertise and response rate of my advisors. So....this new advisor....this one...this one here....um...well, she's fast and she's good. Really pushing me to get it done. Not a lot of excuses here so far. full 3 Chapter proposal returned in 3 days. Smoking! So, it's time for me to turn it into hyperdrive and get this puppy moving...

And...we are off!!

So....take off!!! I'm focused again. After an hour and some change describing concerns posted on my February 11th post...I think we have it worked out.

So, for those that are familiar with the doctoral level procedure. I have one survey, 9 questions, 3 subscales that produce 3 IVs (independent variables). So, with no other survey or tool, where does my DV (dependent variable) come from? I was "told" that my 3 IVs would produce my DV. I disagree....also, that multivariate analysis does not compare the independent variables to themselves. I may be lost and confused but..I'm thinking

Univariate 

Uni = singular

Variate = variable

...Hence Single variable...

3 IVs, 1 DV

IV1 to DV

IV2 to DV

IV3 to DV

Multivariate

Multi = plural

Variate = Variable

....Hence Multiple variables...

3 IVs, 1 DV

IV1 to DV

IV2 to DV

IV3 to DV

IV1 to IV2

IV1 to IV3

etc, etc, etc..

Get it? I don't know, maybe there is more to it, that is why I wanted to speak to my Stats consultant. So, the way forward was to add an additional question which serves as the DV. I have reserves about that. I'm thinking the school will throw a flag due to the lack of complexity. At this point, I just want to get it done, so if this flies, that will be GREAT! If not, I have a second tool in mind which measures mentoring effectiveness. That means the purpose, research questions, methodology and a whole lot else will have to change. The worst part is the clock is now ticking. This must be done by 25 June.

 All in all, paper submitted, my Chair is normally quick with her responses, so lets see what I get back on this one. I will stay optimistic until I get something back.