Content with the new direction

I've been heading in different directions every few months in this program, just like my life, sometimes this way ---> other times <====that way others times no way. I have a new chair and possibly a new direction but I think that I may be content with with whatever direction I'm heading. The question is which direction will I be heading? Only time will tell, as I reach the cusp of my 5th mentor/advisor/chair, I'm hoping this may be the solution that I'm looking for.

So, for now, I'm content, pending the result of all of this confusion. Tonight, there's a sip in honor of relaxation and a new start. I'm looking and feeling crazy but...yeah!

Out of Control

Most of my life I've been in control. I've often felt smarter, more influential, more driven, more focused, and more...in control. I assumed as I got older, I would have been more IN control but instead I feel OUT of control. Hard work and perseverance doesn't always = success or progress. A lot of what you do and achieve is based upon the power/influence/permission of others.

ie.
Applying for a job
You can have the education, training, and experience for a job but that does not mean you will OBTAIN the job.

I know it's life but sometimes I think very deeply, too deeply...eh...random thoughts.

Spoke to the Ombudsman today and she indicated that she would put me in the track program. 12-month program, new chair (previous experience with graduating students, specializes in area), established milestones (missing one will get you dropped), no committee, and 4 dedicated hours per week towards progression.

Since I don't have much going right now, that is RIGHT up my alley. I want to be done! I have the time, focus, experience, and dedication to breeze through it with the right guidance. So, lets see how this all turns out. I need light amongst these clouds!! In addition to the previous statement, I've noticed that I've been charged 3 times the tuition for the last two courses, I've made a call in regards to this but have yet to receive a response. Maybe I'll get some money back..

:-)

Hopefully, I will get a response to find out who this new chair will be....and how best to proceed.

Ombudsman, track program, statistics revisited (univariate multivariate)

Finally received my paper back, really does suck that I have to wait for weeks for response, changes, or alterations. I often wake-up early, stay up late, sacrifice weekends, etc to get assignments complete and moving forward. On a normal 3 month cycle, I'll have 2 submissions, then another couple of thousands of dollars to continue forward.

After my blow-up session, I received a call back from the Ombudsman. He indicated that I may be eligible for a track program (one Chair assigned to ONLY me) that would be able to speak to me multiple times per week and expedite the dissertation process. This was over 2 weeks ago. As of today, no call back, just a random email apologizing for the late response and indicating that she would be available next week (which is now this week). Very irritating and makes me feel very vulnerable. I also requested financial relief for a year, till date, no resolution, so I'll move forward.

Most of the changes required are easily implemented but I still have massive reservation of the direction of my dissertation. All I can do is keep pounding, right? One of the areas requiring some knowledge is in statistics. I am familiar with certain aspects but in now way shape or form am I a veteran. My original study used multivariate regression and then translated to univariate, now I've been recommended to revert back to multivariate. I still need to read up but as I recall, univariate regression analyses 1 IV relationship to a single DV. This is the basis of my analysis....

ie.
Career Support (CS((IV)) to Mentoring Satisfaction (MS((DV))
or
Psychosocial Support (PS((IV)) to Mentoring Satisfaction (MS((DV))

Maybe there's an assumption that MS is a compilation of CS, PS, and RM, eh, who knows, let me get to the facts and stop assuming.

PROcrastination

I can't believe that I've lost my motivation. I've completed about 90% of my paper and I can't seem to add the last two portions of my paper and here I am about to go head out when I should be back in my Jesus sacrificial mode for this paper...oh well. I think I'll get it done tomorrow....

I'm hoping that the mysticism pops in late tonight or tomorrow, I actually have my paper open now and I have not touched it but I'm looking at it, yes, I'm all looking at it! I'm wearing all black to represent the death of procrastination BUT who knows, as indicated above, resurrection is possible, yes, it's possible.

Still Blurry

My path is still blurry but I'm going to roll with it for now. I've been in life hibernation for the most part. No real social life, not getting out much, just focusing on me. So since I'm focusing, hopefully, I can gain...um...well..focus. We will see.

OK, that's not 100% true, I have been cheating with a few TV Series and also my wife...aka sleep. Oh how I love her so. I'm wide awake on my favorite energy drink at 4 AM trying to knock more out prior to work. I was supposed to get up at 2 or 3. Everyday I miss is every day that I'm behind and longer I have to wait. Enough yapping, back to it.

Uncertainty

So I've kicked the bushes and ignited fires throughout the organization. So, we will see what happens. Despite all of this, I feel uncertain of the road ahead and I'm not comfortable with the way my paper is being directed. The verbiage and methodology is just off to me. I fear that I'm going to have the same issues as last time but once again, I'm going to trust my Chair....sigh...

Something has to break through in life. I feel like I live altered groundhogs days. Not much progress or change in life. The only thing to look forward to is the next day. I woke up late (to do my paper) this morning so I'll try to make progress during work and maybe at lunch. Wish me luck, I feel as if I need it.

Burning Hot

I rarely post twice in a day but this IS IT!!! I'm burning hot, if I cursed, I'd be cursing. The changes that I've made a long time ago, I have to make them all over again. I doubt my advisor is doing it on purpose but it's happening. I don't know if this is an institutional problem or what but I'm going round and round and round and I'm getting hotter and hotter!!!

Its almost 5 AM, I've been up since 2 AM and I can't wait to call first thing in the MORNING!!! I want answers. I'm always so worried about making people upset and their strive/reaction. I began this program in 2006, my concept and dissertation proposal was completed in 2008. Advisor, committee, IRB, etc approved it. I distributed my survey, collected the results, analyzed it and submitted my paper and now I'm here. It is 2014!!!! I don't know what to do, this is wearing on me so, so, so bad and I still don't know where I'm going!!!! Someone pray for me because I'm about to lose it. I work so hard in life and sometimes, things just don't seem to pan out!! All these late nights, early mornings, reading, adjusting, is getting overwhelming...sigh...ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Not like I don't have enough going on in life. I was hoping that I'd be able to go back someday and feel joy for this major accomplishment and how far I've come. I don't see it and why?? I DON"T KNOW!!

Train is rolling

So, after weeks and weeks of waiting, I finally get my dissertation back. I have not had a chance to look at it but I'm up at 1 AM to get this train rolling. I need to get this done. One of the hardest things about getting going, is waiting on others to remove the roadblocks. So here I go!!

I'm hoping that if/when I'm done with all of this, my life will have better focus and purpose, because right now I am LOST!!! People ask where I want to be, what I want to do, etc in the future and everything is so blurry and often bleak. I swear not many work as hard as I do when my sights are on a goal. I need to reap these benefits so pray for me AND wish me luck!

Flip Flop...Flop Flip

Seems like this is all a cruel joke. For the life of me, I don't get it and I'm not sure what else to do. I spoke to my adviser today and she asked me "are you really stuck on having control variables in your study?" Um...no, I didn't want to have them, they were suggested by YOU!! The influx of the students, program requirements, staff, etc...is confusing not only to me but also to the staff. So after hours and hours of staying up late, revising papers, I'm going to have to go back to what it was prior?? The methodology, statistical format, and approach from 2 months ago? This is so frustrating. I've spoken with other NCU students and they are experiencing the same issues. Flip Flop...Flop Flip.

So here I sit wondering what to do, how to approach this. I'm on my fourth adviser, some quit, some were fired, I've spoken to the Counselor, Dean, and school VP. You can always quit (not an option after 6 years), just really hoping to be done and close this chapter of my life. I've already completed this all before. I'll try to dedicate tomorrow to making complaints and kicking up dirt...sigh...

In queue

So, back in queue waiting for the next review. Sucks that I don't have a positive outlook on these things. I turn in a paper, wait weeks, then make changes. Somehow seems like a scam to me. Colleges are making a fortune!!

In my head I'm thinking "What change/alteration is next?" Oh well, oh well, it's Monday, my favorite day of the week, I don't know why, just feels like a new start. Kind of like a mini New Years for me. So, this is my time to get my week and order and get ready to ROLL!!