PROcrastination

I can't believe that I've lost my motivation. I've completed about 90% of my paper and I can't seem to add the last two portions of my paper and here I am about to go head out when I should be back in my Jesus sacrificial mode for this paper...oh well. I think I'll get it done tomorrow....

I'm hoping that the mysticism pops in late tonight or tomorrow, I actually have my paper open now and I have not touched it but I'm looking at it, yes, I'm all looking at it! I'm wearing all black to represent the death of procrastination BUT who knows, as indicated above, resurrection is possible, yes, it's possible.

Still Blurry

My path is still blurry but I'm going to roll with it for now. I've been in life hibernation for the most part. No real social life, not getting out much, just focusing on me. So since I'm focusing, hopefully, I can gain...um...well..focus. We will see.

OK, that's not 100% true, I have been cheating with a few TV Series and also my wife...aka sleep. Oh how I love her so. I'm wide awake on my favorite energy drink at 4 AM trying to knock more out prior to work. I was supposed to get up at 2 or 3. Everyday I miss is every day that I'm behind and longer I have to wait. Enough yapping, back to it.

Uncertainty

So I've kicked the bushes and ignited fires throughout the organization. So, we will see what happens. Despite all of this, I feel uncertain of the road ahead and I'm not comfortable with the way my paper is being directed. The verbiage and methodology is just off to me. I fear that I'm going to have the same issues as last time but once again, I'm going to trust my Chair....sigh...

Something has to break through in life. I feel like I live altered groundhogs days. Not much progress or change in life. The only thing to look forward to is the next day. I woke up late (to do my paper) this morning so I'll try to make progress during work and maybe at lunch. Wish me luck, I feel as if I need it.

Burning Hot

I rarely post twice in a day but this IS IT!!! I'm burning hot, if I cursed, I'd be cursing. The changes that I've made a long time ago, I have to make them all over again. I doubt my advisor is doing it on purpose but it's happening. I don't know if this is an institutional problem or what but I'm going round and round and round and I'm getting hotter and hotter!!!

Its almost 5 AM, I've been up since 2 AM and I can't wait to call first thing in the MORNING!!! I want answers. I'm always so worried about making people upset and their strive/reaction. I began this program in 2006, my concept and dissertation proposal was completed in 2008. Advisor, committee, IRB, etc approved it. I distributed my survey, collected the results, analyzed it and submitted my paper and now I'm here. It is 2014!!!! I don't know what to do, this is wearing on me so, so, so bad and I still don't know where I'm going!!!! Someone pray for me because I'm about to lose it. I work so hard in life and sometimes, things just don't seem to pan out!! All these late nights, early mornings, reading, adjusting, is getting overwhelming...sigh...ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Not like I don't have enough going on in life. I was hoping that I'd be able to go back someday and feel joy for this major accomplishment and how far I've come. I don't see it and why?? I DON"T KNOW!!

Train is rolling

So, after weeks and weeks of waiting, I finally get my dissertation back. I have not had a chance to look at it but I'm up at 1 AM to get this train rolling. I need to get this done. One of the hardest things about getting going, is waiting on others to remove the roadblocks. So here I go!!

I'm hoping that if/when I'm done with all of this, my life will have better focus and purpose, because right now I am LOST!!! People ask where I want to be, what I want to do, etc in the future and everything is so blurry and often bleak. I swear not many work as hard as I do when my sights are on a goal. I need to reap these benefits so pray for me AND wish me luck!

Flip Flop...Flop Flip

Seems like this is all a cruel joke. For the life of me, I don't get it and I'm not sure what else to do. I spoke to my adviser today and she asked me "are you really stuck on having control variables in your study?" Um...no, I didn't want to have them, they were suggested by YOU!! The influx of the students, program requirements, staff, etc...is confusing not only to me but also to the staff. So after hours and hours of staying up late, revising papers, I'm going to have to go back to what it was prior?? The methodology, statistical format, and approach from 2 months ago? This is so frustrating. I've spoken with other NCU students and they are experiencing the same issues. Flip Flop...Flop Flip.

So here I sit wondering what to do, how to approach this. I'm on my fourth adviser, some quit, some were fired, I've spoken to the Counselor, Dean, and school VP. You can always quit (not an option after 6 years), just really hoping to be done and close this chapter of my life. I've already completed this all before. I'll try to dedicate tomorrow to making complaints and kicking up dirt...sigh...

In queue

So, back in queue waiting for the next review. Sucks that I don't have a positive outlook on these things. I turn in a paper, wait weeks, then make changes. Somehow seems like a scam to me. Colleges are making a fortune!!

In my head I'm thinking "What change/alteration is next?" Oh well, oh well, it's Monday, my favorite day of the week, I don't know why, just feels like a new start. Kind of like a mini New Years for me. So, this is my time to get my week and order and get ready to ROLL!!

IRB...again

I thought I did this already....Yeah, I did, but I'm at this again. Completed the IRB today and passed my CITI exam. My motivation is so unpredictable, one minute I'm all about it, the next....well, you know what happens the next. It's okay though, I feel that I'll be able to get all of this done but when is the question? It's really getting experienced. I did learn a lot today about the ethics of research, human subjects, and some historical cases. Anyhow, I'm hoping this next year will be better than the last and hopefully bring me my long awaited doctorate. This is getting...um, well...ridiculous.

My cycle is below...

Frustration Season

This is total frustration season for me in life right now, I just can't seem to get my life moving forward. I know that I have been blessed but often, I don't feel my blessings. I'm not sure if that makes sense. It so depressing every time I tell someone my doctoral woes. I've completed the entire dissertation process with the exception of the defense and then had to start all over. All of this is coming out of my pocket!!

The worst part is I feel like I'm going through the same process over and over. Add a third level headings, change indent, use this style, change back to the previous style, this methodology works best, no go back to the original. I doubt there is a standard at this institution and I'm not sure if this is the school's inability to get it together or if this derives from some scam...sigh...I don't want to quit, I've been at this for YEARS and now I'm back at the point I was at 3 years ago. Someone pray for me!

IRB

So, I'm to the point where I'm going to resubmit my IRB (Institutional Review Board) Application. Funny thing...I reviewed the form originally submitted July 2008 and it made me kind of sad. I can't believe that it's been that long. Nonetheless, this is part of the process and I'm kind of frustrated in general. I'm sure it's more so due to the holiday season, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'm totally, unequivocally, without doubt...not excited or planning on doing or going anywhere BUT, school doesn't stop. That has been a constant. I'm using human subjects, so I need to ensure that I'm following protocol.

With all that being said, I feel like my head is shrinking, not sure why or what that means, but that's how I feel for now. So, the game plan for tonight is to complete this IRB form, read the protocol and submit. I'm sure I"m one of the few tonight actually doing work as the rest of the world is with their family, preparing for dinner, or on the road to see their loved ones. I just pray and hope that someday this evolves to something. I can't imagine (but look forward) to the day when this is all a part of my past!

Yes, I really do look weird and unusual like this ^^^ Hope all enjoys their holidays!