IRB...again

I thought I did this already....Yeah, I did, but I'm at this again. Completed the IRB today and passed my CITI exam. My motivation is so unpredictable, one minute I'm all about it, the next....well, you know what happens the next. It's okay though, I feel that I'll be able to get all of this done but when is the question? It's really getting experienced. I did learn a lot today about the ethics of research, human subjects, and some historical cases. Anyhow, I'm hoping this next year will be better than the last and hopefully bring me my long awaited doctorate. This is getting...um, well...ridiculous.

My cycle is below...

Frustration Season

This is total frustration season for me in life right now, I just can't seem to get my life moving forward. I know that I have been blessed but often, I don't feel my blessings. I'm not sure if that makes sense. It so depressing every time I tell someone my doctoral woes. I've completed the entire dissertation process with the exception of the defense and then had to start all over. All of this is coming out of my pocket!!

The worst part is I feel like I'm going through the same process over and over. Add a third level headings, change indent, use this style, change back to the previous style, this methodology works best, no go back to the original. I doubt there is a standard at this institution and I'm not sure if this is the school's inability to get it together or if this derives from some scam...sigh...I don't want to quit, I've been at this for YEARS and now I'm back at the point I was at 3 years ago. Someone pray for me!

IRB

So, I'm to the point where I'm going to resubmit my IRB (Institutional Review Board) Application. Funny thing...I reviewed the form originally submitted July 2008 and it made me kind of sad. I can't believe that it's been that long. Nonetheless, this is part of the process and I'm kind of frustrated in general. I'm sure it's more so due to the holiday season, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'm totally, unequivocally, without doubt...not excited or planning on doing or going anywhere BUT, school doesn't stop. That has been a constant. I'm using human subjects, so I need to ensure that I'm following protocol.

With all that being said, I feel like my head is shrinking, not sure why or what that means, but that's how I feel for now. So, the game plan for tonight is to complete this IRB form, read the protocol and submit. I'm sure I"m one of the few tonight actually doing work as the rest of the world is with their family, preparing for dinner, or on the road to see their loved ones. I just pray and hope that someday this evolves to something. I can't imagine (but look forward) to the day when this is all a part of my past!

Yes, I really do look weird and unusual like this ^^^ Hope all enjoys their holidays!

Rethink - Rewind - Renew

I've been lost for years now, not really sure where I'm going or what to look forward to in this world. Every year I've had a new challenge which has put roadblocks to my advancement and betterment (==is actually a word of myself. Although not radical, I think it's time for me to go back to my roots, back to religious roots. My educational journey has strayed me away from hope and faith and pushed me closer to logic and strategy. Some things you just can't use strategy with...you can't use logic. So.....I'm trying to get back to praying, church, and improving myself spiritually. 

This week was horrid, I swear I go through so many low periods you would think that I was two different people. Some think I'm calm, collective, and confident. I don't often feel like that, I'm feel with worry, doubt, and pessimism. So you can either lay down and die or get up and fight. I'm back on the fight!!! I'm hoping that I can stay focused on what I need to do and have faith that things will turn out well in life as well as with my educational goals. So, it's 10:00 PM and I took days off to chop off chunks of this dissertation. Saturday and Sunday were dead, it's Monday night and I have miles to make up. Wish me luck, better yet, pray for me!!

The edge?

I think I've reached the edge...I mean the end..of the Chapter that is. After weeks of revamping, I think tonight could be the night. I have my coke, energy drink and yesterday I slept for almost 12 hours. What does that mean? Yup, I'm going to try not to sleep tonight, focus, focus, focus. So, hopefully I'll reach the edge of this dissertation and
D
 R
  O
    P
to the next chapter of this paper. Let's see how this goes. Although I have the fact that I've written approximately 3 dissertations, I am really learning how the process works. Will it pay off, will I use it later in life? Who knows but why not look at the positive side? That's another one of my new attempts. I am a negative ninny, why? It's how I survived and stayed protected. Sometimes you have to have faith and hope; I'm more of a prepare and anticipate...the worst that is...

All in all, this false sense of security by thinking the best will come of things feels..um...okay...I think. My father used to say "suck it up and drive on". This has crept in the back of my mind for years. Take the punches and continue to fight but sometimes.....WHEW!!!

As long as my intent is good and I live in good conscious of my actions, things turn out in the long run....it's always the short run that I'm worried about. I'm going to let some of these "runs" go though. OK, back to the batters box. 10:28 PM on a Thursday...

Deep Dive Past the Worry

So many things going on in my life right now, it's crazy. A few of the decision that I have made in my life has lead me to near destruction. My intent is never bad, but what is paved with good intent? Hell is, yes...hell...sucks, right? Between work, family, school, personal goals, the loneliness of this great rainy State and the holidays around the corner, I often feel as if I won't be able to make it. My father told me to keep my head up despite diversity...keep my head up (literally) and a head down shows weakness and makes you vulnerable. I see him as the example of a man..in other words "the standard". Despite the sadness, worry, and guilt in my life..I must be strong and focus!!! I have people depending on me. Everyday wasted is gone, you can't get it back, it's a loss!! So, I'm diving deep past the worry directly into my dissertation again.

No matter how much you want to change the past, you can't, it's impossible (as far as I know...I think they are still working on solutions). This is the worst time of the year too, birthdays, holidays, a new year, and much more. Although others have contributed to my sadness, I am the source and much accept responsibility. Despite this all, I'm kind of bummed but my literature review will be my best friend tonight and take my mind off my many problems and concerns. I'm debating going back to cutting the cable off and avoiding personal as many social activities as possible. I need to get this thing done!!

Should have opted for the AAs instead of the AAs

I'm often asked why I chose to conduct a study on Asian-Americans instead of African-Americans. the reason was based on need an impact. When I began this program, I wanted to make an impact. There's a lot of research on African-Americans but not much on the Asian population. Now that I'm in knee deep in the weeds, it's much easier to do research on the larger populations, why? There's more knowledge to pull from. What makes it even more challenging is the requirement to have research within the 5-year boundary.


All in all, it's a McD's coke night...I'm too far to turn back now. If I do ever get this thing completed and published, I think that it will truly add to the body of knowledge that addresses the Asian-American population. They are one of the fastest growing populations in America...

Time....

It's funny how time will slip away from you. Every time I look back a day is gone, a week has passed, and a new year is upon us. It stresses me so much. I always feel like I'm not doing enough, I'm not hitting my benchmarks and at some time I'll miss a precious opportunity. So, here I go again, I've been up at 3 AM, back on the path to finish up my lengthy literature review. I took a week off caffeine, but today I'm back at it..

Return to the Matrix - Break from the norm

I'm still trying to figure out exactly how I want to put my matrix together. I now have 3 different versions 2 in word, 1 in excel. There are so many ways to crack an egg and I'm always revising and reorganizing something. I think I'll go with MS word with bookmarks and establish an internal metadata scheme. This will allow me to run search's on key words and quickly jump from one are to another. The only thing that I dislike is the the length of the document. I often receive jokes from friends and family in regards to my love of technology. I must admit, technology is GREAT and I'm addicted. If implemented correctly, it really provides outstanding tools to expedite your learning and the completion of homework. I use 3 large monitors (well, 2 monitors and an old 42 inch television. On a random night, I'll have out a can of coke, a rip-it energy drink, my paper, multiple Chrome browsers, iTunes, OneNote (great product), and the distracting facebook. Epiphany, I may use OneNote for my matrix..hmmm...

It's 2:38 AM and I'm hoping that I'll continue to make progress and complete this portion of the literature review quickly. There's been so much going on in my life that I often pass up on my research for work, sleep, or the love of procrastination. In honor of Halloween, I dressed up as one of the historical members of Run DMC and sacrificed a Thursday night to go people watch. See, I do have a fun side...I swear I could wear this everyday.

Balance and the Matrix

I lost my jumpdrive with all my educational jewels, glad that I was able to get it back. Now I need to work through this matrix of old, new, and new new information. So far, so good..Just so so much more to do. The longer in the matrix the easier it is to understand. This is why it's so hard for me to stop once I get going.

With that being said, I took a personality assessment and it indicated that I'm a man of peace (doesn't like conflict and even avoid it despite possible negative outcomes), being organized is a major motivator for me, and I'm critically low on the fun scale. I'm trying to balance school, work, personal life, and my love of sleep. Normally fun is at the bottom of my list. Most fun...just isn't...fun. Todays attempt at fun had me waking up early to go out this afternoon. The result, it's time to go out and I'm sleepy and tired. I'll force myself for today, lets see how it goes. Is this a face of someone who doesn't have fun?

Oh, oh, another reason I don't have fun is because when I'm out having fun, I'm thinking of the future. I'd rather get everything done (which is impossible) before I have fun in my life. Just like other things, I'm still working on me.

Confidence to Confusion..the track

It seems as if every time I'm on a roll, I seem to get off track. I purchased the services of an external dissertation coach to provide and outside perspective and another person to keep me honest. I received the word that I would be allowed to use one tool and I got ready to run and then the questions arose which stopped me in my tracks. There's nothing like running an obstacle course and then once completing an activity to be told to start over and go back 1 or 2 events back. I was told that I'm scared to make a move, to "research and explore". After rethinking, I am, I really am. A dissertation has a lot of concrete guidance, it also has a lot of opinions, feelings, preferences, and ambiguity.

As I look at the calendar, another class has ended and I'm back to the first chapter...If I get momentum on this train, I can guide it home but the tracks are so short and I'm still uncertain.

Selection of variables

You're already going crazy, learning, and executing, comparing and analyzing...Then, yet another change, adjustment, revision, or modification. As I research control variables, IV/DV, and covariates...I can truly relate to this!

Red light, Green light, Go!!!

This journey has really been crazy, I've been on the verge of jumping off of a small bridge (I still value my life). After submissions, changes, and revisions, I've noticed that I've began to move backwards. I went from 2 complete dissertations, to adjusting certain chapters, revising my statistics, searching for a new tool, a new problem statement, a new purpose...hell, I'm back at the beginning. I paid my editor a few hundred dollars and she's all but disappeared on me so far. ...sigh...

After a few weeks of literally making no progress, we've made a break through (I think) and now I can finally do something productive!! its been like red light, green light, red light, green light but no real GO!! I think I'm able to go and I'm exciting about it!!

So, I'm up at 3 AM before work trying to make some headway before work. I only have a couple of weeks left in the class with A LOT to do, so I'll have to enroll in yet another course. I threw on my throwback FILA beanie in remembrance of the past...

Seeking Motivation

I keep complaining about it but sheesh, I'm so over it, I'm ready to throw in the towel. There are better things I could be doing at 2, 3, and 4 AM in the morning. Papers take longer to get a response, they oscillating decisions in regards to the papers format and content, I just want it over. I'm beginning to think of quality of life and mental well being.

I went out and hired an editor and additional adviser (because I think I may be mentally slow) and although she began very motivated, she has slown waaay down on her responses and I'm thinking she's jumped ship. Maybe this is not meant to be. I don't NEED a doctorate, just pondering...pondering..

Should have went with the African-Americans

As I sit here on a Saturday afternoon...I reflect back on the selection of my paper. If I would have chose the African-American population, I would have been done, complete, finished with this degree years ago. I've questioned myself, should I start to focus more on the ends than the means? The lack of motivation is at a monumental level, I just want to be complete.

I've just recently reacquired the services of my dissertation editor to see if she can expedite the process, we will all see. I'm willing to pay whatever to get through this, I feel like my whole life is currently on hold!

Coke on a Monday Morning...

Something about the transition from Sunday night to Monday morning that inspires me to get my stuff together. I've been up since about 11PM getting it, I don't think I'll sleep this morning (I slept during the day). It's crazy how things clear up on this day and seem to fall in line...to top it off, I bought a McD's coke so I can add to my new focus of healthy habits! My goal by Wednesday night is to complete the overhaul of Chapter 2, I need to work one section at a time...constantly..Coke, a few vitamins to focus and a RipIT!!

Seeking motivation

The organization of sources turned out great...a couple of weeks ago but I have not been able to find any motivation recently. I really need to get this going so I'm up at 5AM trying to scratch up any wave of progress that I can. Tonight...Today's goal will be um...well, I don't know. I guess it will be just to get started, so...let's get it started!

Organizing Sources

I must admit that I am an organizational freak but have not taken the time to organize my sources and references. Well, I've taken time but not to the extent that I need to. I have over 6 years of extensive research discussing mentoring, the Asian population, career advancement, promotions, leadership, etc that's semi-organized. Tonight I will get it all in a logical metadata centric database. I'm seriously about to go into beasting mode. 

It's 1:20 AM, I plan to stay up until it's time for work or my body says "no more sir". Although I'm doing these late nights, I've implemented workouts and movie watching to keep me sane. Let's see how tonight works out for me. I think I'll begin making notes on my page instead of through FB.

Ready....CHARGE!!!

Well, I said something about taking it slow and one chapter at a time, but guess what, that is not me? I guess I'm just a go getter. I got my rest in early after work and now I'm up and at it. I'm more productive wearing myself out and recovering later..so, this will be the plan for now. Maybe no sleep, probably no sleep..we will see.

I feel motivated for the challenge but frustrated at the process. I know that I really need to swallow my pride and get back to some of the basics. It's been so long that I have forgotten some of the college writing styles and grammatical rules from almost 2 decades ago, so I'm going back to the basics.. I think much is in gods plan and I don't know what it is for now..maybe it's to grow in another way. Until then, 1:44 AM and I'm at it!

 

Baby bites

There always seems to be a "catch", so after weeks of waiting to get response for my dissertation, I'm told that I need to revise the paper because yet another "new standard" has been established an the last paper that was approved had "unrecorded errors" and I should "acquire the services of a proof reader....this is normal protocol in academia". I swear I test the validity of this educational establishment. 

Doing research on the school, this seems to be a norm within NCU. After thousands of dollars out of pocket and multiple complaints (with no response) from the faculty, I'm at a loss for what to do other than to quit or keep pushing. I honestly don't see the end but refuse to quit. 

I read a book last week that said, "many of the greatest goals never get accomplished because they are considered too great". His solution was to bread it down into small pieces and try to enjoy the process, find joy in even the most grueling processes. So, that's my step...ONE chapter a day and that will be my goal for now...baby bites

DP is queue

Well, my DP is now at the top of the queue, so I should get a response real soon like, I'm hoping I don't have any BS this time. My Sallie Mae loan has ran out, my MGIB has ran out, my Post 9/11 is gone, so it's all out of pocket and I still have a mountain of debt because of it. Is it worth it? Will it be worth it, we will see. For now, I'm focused on completion. 

What's even worst is I'm eyeing a new instrument. The CE-6 actually correlates better than the MSQ but do I really want to readjust the entire paper? Will I have to get my paper reviewed all over again? Questions-questions..waiting for answers. For tonight, I say goodnight!

Benchmark

So, continuing this DM to DP to DP transition, I got off work early and I was SUPPOSED to start early. Instead, I ate, cleaned up, and slept. For some reason, I can only focus at night, sad but true. I guess it's the night owl or maybe the vampire in me.

I'm trying to create an anchor paper in order to just begin setting regular benchmarks. An update is due tomorrow...or I guess today technically. My goal/benchmark/objective is to complete the entire submission today. 

I thought all I had to do was change my study from past to present tense but after further review, I need to use the MSQ-9 and not 15. I guess it's not a need but I think its the most modern and efficient version to use...oh well...

Generational Motivation

Motivation comes from various sources. I went back home to a family reunion and had the opportunity to meet so many of my family members. It was nice to reconnect and find out the progress everyone was making. My father is was pursing certifications on the weekend and my mom was out assisting with community projects. This just reinforced the fact that I need to continue the good fight. I'm up at 2 AM riding the motivation from the generations before me. After staying up all night and finishing the CP, I was told I need to work on the DP, this is a good thing but still hours of my life once again wasted...so ready, set, let's go!


Yawwwnnn!!

Punked out....comeback

Well if you don't succeed, try try again, correct? I wasn't able to complete barely anything last night. I took a step back and reevaluated the process. It's hard to build a mansion and then be told to break down everything you have into an apartment. Soooo, this has lead me to reorganize and rereorganize it. Sometimes you have to go with the gut, that's the plan. Goal is the same as yesterday. Plan of action...

1. Reorganize references
2. Truncate Literature Review (while retaining previous information)
3. Rewrite Lit Review section in a more succinct manner
4. Begin Methodology

Lets see how this works..

Opening Weekend Goals

OK, I'm back on my grind, I've taken my early day nap and it's time to get back on the pony, I have a nice little ride to make. Although teetered on going out and having fun, I've decided to stay home and trot a little bit further down the road. So, I have my bottle glasses, a frosty adult beverage, and some tunes for the night. Tonight's goals:

1. Complete Brief Review of Literature
2. Begin Research Methods

Then I may pop in a movie for the night...

Unconventionally successful

Although unorthodox, I enjoy doing my work late at night, it's dark, its quiet (until I turn my music on), and most people are already asleep (no distractions). I continue day 2 of staying focused..I've developed a new concept paper and now I just need to get it all together. My goal is to establish nightly benchmarks.
Tonight's Goals:
Introduction

Reset - Restructure - Rewrite

So the battle continues. Due to a two year "discovery", I can't use my tool and there is nothing I can really do about it. I spoke to the creator of a new tool and I can now begin my restructuring. A lot of work ahead of me but there is no motivation at all. I have Motivation but I'm not motivated. I'm trying to knock out the small benchmarks and milestones but it's all so very daunting. Nonetheless, I'm here at this computer, everything I need is somewhere here and I need to begin restructuring my entire dissertation. I have over a years worth of work to redo a paper that has been done over 3 times over...(if that makes sense).

Slow motion

Everything is going so slow right now, I'm waiting for my response for reimbursement, waiting for the class to start, waiting for the owner of my instrument to respond and waiting to wait to wait. I I've planned to take today out to actually focus on the last paper and make some of the required changes to make the change from PhD to DBA. Let's see how this goes. Always mentally tired and I'm not even doing much..

Get my money right...

So, I've officially changed my program from the PhD to the DBA. I hope this expedites the process, I am mentally drained and just want it DONE! As I switched programs, they quoted me 4x's the normal tuition, I should get this all squared away and be able to move forward on my journey. 

In addition, I've changed my survey tool and will now have to redistribute. It's pretty discouraging but part of the process. The tool is actually easier and may save me hundreds of dollars from the previous. I'd be willing to pay to get this thing over with and move on with my life. All in all, it is what it is and I'm still fighting the good fight!